Sixteen and Unexpectedly Pregnant

     For months I have agonized on when/if I should share this story.  It is one of my most painful stories to share.  But it is necessary not only to share with those who read my blogs, but also to young women like my granddaughter(s) who may find themselves or a friend in a similar situation.  I pray that this story touches the very core of your hearts and gives others the courage to stand strong in our present day world of sexual freedom. 

     On a frigid morning in February, I was sitting in a wood paneled room with at least 15 other women.  The green shag carpet reflected the time period -- 1975.  I anxiously scanned the room.  "Who are these girls?"  I wondered.  I was surprised that there were so many of us.    Presently a young-looking nurse in all white opened the door to call out a name.  We coughed, we squirmed, but mostly we sat quietly staring at nothing.  A few engage in idle chatter.  But most of us quietly sat, waiting for our names to be called.  I noted that we were in an office basement with just one small window - waiting to see the doctor.   I shivered with cold and anxiety.  

        There were, perhaps, three or four males sitting with either their girlfriends or wives.  My boyfriend is not with me.  Although my mother sits beside me, I feel desperately alone.  Then, I startled to the sound of my name by a nurse in the doorway….

     As a young 15 year old I fell deeply in love with a fellow classmate.  He became the center of my being and my reason for living.   We were inseparable except when working our various jobs.  Summers were the best as we could spend even more time together.  It was the summer between tenth and eleventh grade that I freely gave a part of me that had remained mine until that moment.  I was never the same, thereafter.

     After sex, I felt dirty and unclean.  Our dates were no longer fun and innocent.  Time with my boyfriend was laced with unspoken trysts and deep inner turmoil.  We struggled over the next several months -- broke-up often, only to return to one another for solace and refuge.  Then the unspeakable happened. 

     At first I wasn't too shaken.  "I couldn't possibly be pregnant," I reasoned.  Up to that point I'd only seen one teenage pregnant girl.  She rode our school bus to school until the day she delivered a healthy baby.  I remember that this girl was stoic and seemingly indifferent to the eyes of judgment from others.  "No, I can't be like her!"  I groaned to myself.  As the days ticked by I became more and more anxious.  I worried that my classmates suspected my possible pregnancy.    

     My boyfriend was at least willing to go with me to see the school counselor with me.  After sharing our concerns, the counselor offered the telephone number of a women's health clinic in Kansas.  "They should be able to help you," Mr. Smith said with a gentle smile.  The two of us, my boyfriend and I, pledged our undying love to one another, and I made plans to call this health center.

     And I did.  Within a week I was sitting in the offices of Comprehensive Health For Women waiting for the results of a pregnancy test.  "No, you're not pregnant ... at least our test doesn't show a positive response, yet," the aide informed me.  Another week went by.  By now I was feeling queasy, especially in the mornings, and my body showed other signs of pregnancy.  Again, I traveled to the center for a 2nd pregnancy test.  After waiting for what seemed an eternity, the aide delivered the news with no visible emotion. "You are pregnant."

      Before too long I was sitting in a small cubicle with a counselor.  Much is lost from my memory except for these few words, "We can help you with your problem.  No one needs to know."   Her words resounded in my soul.  "We can help you with your problem.  No one needs to know," to which I mentally added,..." like my friends at school." 

     Now I realize that very little counseling was actually done.  We didn't talk about the growth & development of this tiny being inside my tummy.  I think the option for adoption was discussed, but I wasn't really interested.  (What would my friends think?!)  And I didn't hear much about the risks & drawbacks associated with abortions.  I wish I'd been informed that I could hear the heartbeat very early into pregnancy and that fully formed features could be seen by an ultrasound.  It might have made a difference for me.  But I only saw one escape path -- and abortion, fast and easy.

     I was looking for quick relief, an escape from the consequences of my behavior.  To be able to finish high school and continue to college unscathed was my ultimate desire.  It didn't help that I no longer had the support of my boyfriend unless I opted for an abortion.  My parents just wanted what they thought was best for me -- for me to be able to go to college without having to go through a pregnancy as an unmarried single sixteen year old.   I felt alone -- and really scared.  Part of me was excited to have a little being growing inside my belly, the other part of me was very scared to face the consequences of this unexpected surprise.  

     In subsequent years I blamed everyone else for the predicament I was in.  Only with time would I learn and accept that I, alone, was the one who had to live with the consequences of my own choosing.  I freely gave away that part of myself that could have been saved for my husband.  I neglected safety measures that might have prevented a teenage pregnancy.  And ultimately, I made the decision to abort as a quick and easy means to get rid of an unwanted problem. 

What To Be When I Grow Up ...?!

     Walking into the classroom with a peculiar lop-sided gait, the slight, 30-something young man exuded confidence.  Reaching a wooden podium in the center front of the room, he laboriously rested his elbows and leaned forward as if to impart a secret to those of us sitting in his classroom.  "My name is Paul and I am honored to be teaching you Normal Psychology,"  he said with the distinctive pattern of one who has cerebral palsy.  I found Paul a little difficult to understand, but I knew from the twinkle in his eye that this would be a fun class.

     The summer session classes at SMSU were more relaxed.  Most of the students, including me, took classes in the morning in order to have their afternoons free.  This class was an early one -- 7:30 and I was not happy about it.  But I chose to suffer so that I could hang with my friends later.  As the summer passed by I began learning alot from Paul.  Not only was he witty, but he was someone who connected with his students.  And I learned one very profound lesson from this psychology professor...

     Paul told us that he held a masters degree in psychology, but was scheduled to begin law school in the fall.  Then he told us that he might consider going to medical school later in life.  The words he spoke resounded in my heart for some reason.  Even today I can hear my professor saying,  "I can change my profession and pathway in life at any time in life.  Just because I'm a psychology professor now doesn't mean I'll be one in ten or twenty years.  Be what you want to be -- at anytime throughout your life! ...I intend to!"

     Now that I'm 54 years old I look back at my chosen pathways to see if I did as my professor said to do.  Did I wear many different hats throughout the years?  Well, for awhile I interned as a social worker, then proceeded to work as a waitress on the Plaza for several years.  As a twenty-five year old I launched into nursing school and found myself working at Children's Mercy Hospital for awhile.  Along the way I dabbled in a few activities like becoming a Creative Memories consultant.  Mostly, though, I raised children and worked as a nurse just one day a week.  Most recently I quit nursing altogether to work alongside Rick with Integrity Resource Center -- I call myself a Project Manager.  Who would've thought that I'd work in the business realm!?  Certainly not me.  Yes, I would say that I've worn many different hats in my lifetime.

     The point is that we can change our positions in life if/when we feel called to do so and really want to.  I believe that God calls each of us to differences places depending upon His will for us at that time.  So for now I will wear my business hat -- and maybe my next season will see me doing something entirely different.  I hope so!  Wearing different hats is what makes life exciting for me =)

Lost At Sea

     "Where is Rick?" I wondered aloud.  Sitting with my sister and her husband on beautiful Poipu Beach on the island of Kauai, I scanned the horizon for Rick.  He'd been boogie-boarding with my brother-in-law who had long since returned.  Tom complained to us that the waves were "pretty big" and had grown tired from fighting the undertow.  "Where is Rick?" I asked, again.

     In August of 1990 our family went to Hawaii with my parents, my sister and her husband.  Megan was just six months old.  On this particular day, Rick, Judy, Tom and I went to the beach while my parents stayed with Megan at the beach house.  We'd enjoyed our time on Kauai, especially swimming and snorkeling in the crystal blue waters.  Today, however, the waves were larger and more active.  Lots of people were playing in the water, though, so I wasn't concerned -- until I couldn't seem to find Rick in the midst of all the people and boogie boards. 

    (Rick) One day after mountain biking for four hours on the island of Kauai my brother-in-law and I went boogie boarding (a miniature surfboard) in the ocean.  One minute I was floating next to my brother-in-law and several other surfers, the next minute, I was all alone wondering what had happened to everyone.  As I tried to swim back towards shore, it soon became evident that I was caught in a riptide.

     Poipu Beach is shaped like a crescent.  Soon I was walking along the shore peering intently for signs of Rick.  He wore red swim shorts so I instinctively found myself looking for spots of red.  Each time I turned to complete another walk along the beach my apprehension grew and my pace increased.  "Where is he?!" I muttered to myself.  Judy and Tom, seeing my concern, joined in the search for Rick. 

     (Rick) After about 45 minutes in the hot sun and several renditions of singing ‘Gilligan’s Island’, realization set in that I was not a good enough swimmer to swim the mile or more to shore. I began to panic.  In order to make one final effort to swim unrestricted I unstrapped the boogie board from my wrist. Suddenly from behind, the first wave ever crashed over me.  As I came up sputtering my boogie board was sailing through the air more than 50 yards away.  I had to have my  board to survive,  I thought, so I panicked and began to swim towards the board,...and my legs began to cramp with tremendous pain. 

     It occurred to me that I needed binoculars to better scan the horizon for my husband, so I briskly jogged to the nearest hotel to get help.  Asking for binoculars I explained to a lifeguard that my husband couldn't be seen from the shore.   He started moving pretty fast when I said my husband had been lost for almost an hour.  For the first time, I grew scared.  The lifeguard called for an "inflatable" so that he could go out into the water to look for Rick.

            (Rick)  That was it, I was done, my spirit was broken, and all of my props in life were gone.  “Lord, I cried, I know you haven’t heard from me in many years, but I need your help.”  I did not fully understand how or why, but I knew God was there listening to me, but I did not sense that he was yet ready to answer. 

            My focus soon turned from my pain, to fear for the future of Kathy and Megan.  I cried out again, “Lord if you take my life now who will raise my daughter and love my wife?”  It was at that point that I felt the peace of God.  I did not know if God was going to spare me or not, but I knew that either way he would take care of my family.  I suddenly had the peace and confidence to trust in God.  “Lord if you are going to take my life now, please do it quickly”,  I prayed. 

      With the hope that our search would soon include others with binoculars and a boat, I returned to the beach.  Again, I restlessly paced along the beach -- scanning the horizon.  "Where is Rick?" I bemoaned to myself.  It suddenly occurred to me that Rick might actually have been pulled out to the ocean by the strong undertow.  And I thought of the tiger sharks that are so prevalent in the waters of Hawaii.

     (Rick) At that very moment I was struck by a huge wave that drove me under the water.  Somersault after somersault was forced upon my body, until my lungs felt as though they would surely burst!  This is the end I thought.  When I came up, I gasped quickly for air and then, I was hit again by another wave. The third time this happened, I came up to calm water.  I could see the beach way off in the distance and two young boys on a surf board.  With the last strength I could muster I yelled for help and then slumped into the water.  Moments later these two boys pulled me from beneath the water and paddled me back to shore.

        Making another turn-around, I glanced towards the beach just in time to see Rick walking unsteadily towards the shore with two young teenagers.  "Where have you been?!" I exploded.  "I have been so worried about you!  Why did you stay in the water for so long!?"  If I had been more observant I would've noticed that Rick looked very sun-burned and obviously exhausted.  And he was without the boogie-board which was quite expensive to rent.   Without much fanfare, Rick said simply,  "When we get home, we are going to find a church.  There is a God and He saved my life today."   After hearing Rick's story I sheepishly apologized for my angry outburst. 

      I have a picture of Rick cuddling with Megan taken just a few short hours after this event.  He looks fatigued, but happy and at peace with himself.  Rick was never the same, again.  He began studying the bible and learning more about how to live his life for God.  We began attending a church several months later -- and he has had the opportunity to share this story many times.  One thing, though, ... Rick never saw those two boys, again.  We both wonder if they realized what a big role they played in Rick's rescue that day in Kauai.