I come from a long line of worriers. As a teenager I vowed not to carry on the family tradition and was fairly successful at this -- until the birth of our first child, precious and adorable, Megan.
As Megan grew through her toddler years and into early childhood, I began to understand the part of life that included worry. Although I was a pediatric nurse at Children's Mercy Hospital, I didn't know much about common childhood ailments. Most of my nursing skills resolved around really sick children with cancer.
Watching Megan struggle through common illnesses, I became an innate worrier. To keep myself grounded, I would call my closest friends and asked them questions.
Then one morning three year old Megan asked, "Mommy, why do I see two of you?"
I was helping Megan buckle her pretty white patent leather shoes so we could soon leave for church. "What?!" I asked with stunned clarity and an escalating heartbeat. "Mommy, I see two of you. One right there, and one right there," she said while pointing her little finger to two unseen spaces in front of her. I leaned back to get a good look at her eyes. Sure enough, her right eye was veering inward. Survival mode kicked in as I fought to control the panic cycle within my heart. I'd taken care of lots of children who had vision issues related to their brain tumors.
It didn't take long to place a telephone call to our pediatrician. He didn't express much concern because Megan wasn't showing any other symptoms besides one crossed eye. She wasn't walking lop-sided, falling down or showing signs of nausea. In fact, Megan was happy as usual =) But I still worried. "What if ..., " kept pulsing through my mind. With a heavy heart I waited for Monday morning to arrive when Megan could be seen by a physician. Throughout the night I prayed and prayed and prayed, still worrying about the possibility of Megan battling a brain tumor.
The next day Megan was examined by a renowned children's eye specialist and later that day underwent a MRI of the head. We were sent us home with the promise of news within a couple of days and Megan was put on an antibiotic for a stuffy nose and cough that she'd had for more than a week. That night I tried hard to pretend that nothing was amiss, but inside I felt confused, scared and ... still worried.
It was almost midnight when we received the good news that Megan's MRI was normal. The doctor wasn't sure why Megan's eyes were turning inward, but thought it might be related to sinusitis that hadn't been diagnosed (pressure from the sinuses on the nerve that moves the eye). She wondered if the antibiotic had reduced the swelling of Megan's sinuses so that the optic nerves were no longer being pressured. No one knew for sure. But it certainly was good news was that Megan's wayward eye was no longer veering to the right! I was relieved and grateful for God's provision.
Almost exactly one year later it happened, again. Only this time I wasn't as scared. I'd been down this path before and realized that my worry did nothing to ease the pain of uncertainty. Once more Megan's eye returned to normal after being given an antibiotic. From then on we would be more wise and cautious about watching for signs of sinusitis. To date, Megan hasn't wrestled with this condition for a third time, although she still tilts her head slightly to the right when she watches television.
As the years have passed, our family has battled various health issues and injuries. It hasn't been easy and I will admit, sometimes I regress and worry. But I work hard to maintain an inner peace during times of stress or concern. It's easy for me to slip back into the worry-mentality. I still talk to my friends when feeling the need to be 'grounded'. I try to remember that my worry doesn't help, and, in fact, often makes the situation even more difficult to bear.
The one thing that helps me is to pray unceasingly through those stressful or painful situations that present themselves. As I pray, I lay claim one very special Bible verse:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you and help you; and I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10.
... and in time, I usually feel better.
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