The Ugliness of an Eating Disorder

There she stood in the nurse's office looking pencil-thin.  Her pants were cinched together with safety pins and her shirt hung ever so loosely on her way-to-skinny frame.  One of our school's varsity cheerleaders, the girl hadn't been physically well enough to cheer for much of the basketball season.  In the nurse's office for a sore throat I wondered,  "Why is she so thin?!  Is she sick, or dying?"  She reminded me of the Jewish concentration camp prisoners of World War II that I'd seen in our history books and magazines.

Later I learned that this very popular, pretty and vivacious teen suffered from anorexia nervosa.  It was the first time I'd heard of this illness.  The year was 1975.  I later heard that she had died in her late 20's from complications associated with anorexia nervosa

Life can be so complicated.  Many of us fall prey to the trappings of not feeling "good enough".  We feel ugly compared to others.  We are dissatisfied with our grades in school.  Perhaps we've been hurt deeply by someone and just can't seem to recover from the pain.  Sometimes we feel as though we have absolutely no control in life.  Because there seems to be so much chaos inside and around us, we begin to try to control those parts of our lives that are controllable.  Regardless of the reasons, most of us who have or do suffer from eating disorders seem to struggle with our identities ~ as though controlling what we eat, or don't eat, can erase the imperfections within.

For me, it began with a single desire ~ to lose weight.  I'd gained ten pounds my junior year in high school and wanted to lose it.  I felt fat.  So I cut my calorie intake to just 1000 calories a day and I stuck religiously to my diet for a number of weeks.  Often I ate just cottage cheese, Melba toast and Nestles Breakfast Bars for days on end.   Thrilled to see weight loss, I began to incorporate exercise into my day to help lose even more weight.  Soon I was riding my exercise bicycle at breakneck speed for an hour or more everyday! Mostly I listened to music while I biked, but sometimes I watched TV.  It was fun to exercise while mentally tuning into something other than myself.  I wasn't really sure from what I was running, but I clearly recognized that diversion was helping the chaos inside my head to ebb.

People began to notice my weight loss.  I'd hear comments like "you're looking good" and "what's your secret to losing weight" which only fueled my continued obsession with looking perfect.  The strange thing was how my mirrored reflection lied to me, although I didn't know it at the time.  When I looked in the mirror I only saw the little bit of fat on my upper thighs or hips.  Unbelievably, I still considered myself  overweight and kept close track of my weight loss.

     What many people don't realize is that there are several different types of eating disorders.  They are:

• Anorexia Nervosa - undereating to maintain an extremely low body weight
• Binge Eating - recurrent binge eating
• Bulimia Nervosa - recurrent binge eating and purging
• Overweight - compulsive over-eating
• Eating Disorder Otherwise Unspecified - symptoms do not meet the criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, but are evidenced in atypical eating behaviors and/or exercise

I suffered from, first, anorexia, then, bulimia nervosa, for several years.  It was an ugly time in my life. Much of my energy was spend trying to hide my obsessions from others, including my family.  My life looked fairly normal from the outside, but my thoughts and emotions were in constant turmoil.  Out of the chaos spilled great shame, pain and anger.  Deep inside I wanted to overcome my eating disorder, but I seemed powerless to stop.  

One day I left my waitress job feeling particularly frustrated and sad.  With great weariness I drove to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts to swallow my anxieties and sadness down with the help of two or three donuts.  At this point I was so very exhausted from living a life around my compulsions. Tears ran down my cheeks as I slowly ate my treasures. "I am really tired of living like this," I remember thinking.  It was as if a light bulb of reality went off in my head and I resolved to think through this new and perfectly normal thought.

I began to learn more about eating disorders from reading library books and articles.  I entered counseling to find out more about my illness.  What I learned wasn't easy to swallow (pardon the pun), but I pressed on for the truth.  Ever so slowly I began to learn how low self-esteem and self-worth had driven my desire for perfection.  In my quest for self-acceptance I'd somehow mistook the lies for the truth.  The lie was that I would never be good enough, pretty enough or smart enough.  The lie was that I would never feel true peace within my soul. The lie was that I would always wrestle with an eating disorder ...

Ultimately the Truth set me free.  It took time and much soul-searching, but I began to learn that I was never going to be perfect and that it was okay.  I learned where/when my feelings of insecurity and self-hate probably originated from and how the lies had slowly taken center stage in my life.  Through counseling I learned new coping strategies for life.

In time I lost interest in controlling my eating disorder and I watched its destructiveness slowly dissolve into nothingness.   I still watch my weight carefully, but now face each day with the Truth and a willingness to walk forward in life with courage.  For those of you who struggle with an eating disorder or/ simply have issues with your weight, I would recommend that you:

•      Seek the services of a competent counselor who specializes in eating                     disorders/ issues;
•      Seek a health community of others who have wrestled with similar issues;           and
•      Sincerely seek God for peace and restoration.

The truth is that an eating disorder does not have to rule your life forever.  The truth is very real.  We are God's wondrous creations whom He faithfully loves ~ despite our imperfections and flaws.

"I appeal to you, Brothers, by the mercy of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind that by testing you may discern what is the will of God,... what is good, acceptable and perfect."  Romans 12: 1-2

My dear friend, God accepts and loves you just as you are.  I should know.  I am so far from perfect, yet God loves me despite my insecurities and fears to the contrary.  He is faithful, even when we're not.
I choose to embrace the beauty, instead of the ugly, inside of me.  So can you.