Feeling uncharacteristically dejected and lonely, I found myself sitting in our bedroom closet one afternoon with a box of Kleenex. I was a busy mother of three, ages 15 through 8, wife, sister and daughter to a recently widowed mother. To sit down and reflect is not part of my nature. To be active and perform tasks is more my bent. So to be sitting on the carpeted floor of my closet with tears streaming down my face was unusual. Lonely was a new emotion for me.
I missed having girlfriends to spend time with. I missed having playdates and lunch with others. I wondered, "What had I done to cause this emptiness?" I realized that I believed myself to be the root reason for not having friends. "If only I were a better friend to others," I muttered to myself, "Who would want to be friends with me, anyway?"
What had happened to those friends from earlier years? Well, one dear friend moved to the another state. Another friend grew busy with her ever-expanding brood of children. A third friend stopped calling when I began chemotherapy treatment for cancer. But a fourth friend hurt me the most by simply walking away from our friendship without even so much as a word of departure. I was crushed by the end of this friendship and was thinking about this loss while sitting in my closet that day.
I realized that this season of being friendless was something I would need to endure. It seemed that no amount of work on my part was able to break the invisible glass dome that separated me from others. From now on, I vowed, I would learn to be comfortable with myself.
I began spending more time doing activities that filled me with a sense of accomplishment. My prayers changed from being me-focused to other-focused. Spending time in the morning reading the Bible and praying became more important to me. Several verses helped find peace during this time ... "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to give you a hope and a future," says Jeremiah 29:11. And, "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose," as written in the book of Romans.
I quit trying so hard to make friends. I asked God to help me see myself as He saw me. I had lost several close friends within a short period of time, and now blamed myself for their departures. Insecurity and fear of people not liking me had kept me in bondage and had probably kept me from making new friends as well. I worried that new friends would leave me if they really knew me. Still, I prayed for the chance to make new friends ~~ in God's time.
I learned to establish healthy boundaries for myself, learned how to be comfortable with being alone, and learned that I was never really truly alone. I just needed to lean into God more. In time, I grew more confident & at peace with my station in life.
In the course of another year I did begin to build friendships once again. Today my friendships are deeply cherished and I take great care to let my friends know that they are appreciated. I hope that my efforts to be a good friend cause others to appreciate themselves as well. God has blessed me with many friends. I hope that my love for others is received as being warm & genuine.
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