Beautiful and Bald

     "Do not let your adorning be external -- the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear -- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle & quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." ~~ 1 Peter 3: 3-4

     I knew this day would come.  One balmy January day, while playing in the park with Rick & our children, I noticed strands of my hair lightly floating away in the breeze as the wind whipped around my head.  Four year old Megan was calling to me,  "Mommy, Mommy, watch!  Watch me cross the monkey bars all by myself!"  But I was only half listening as I reached up to feel the hair on my head.  "No, not, yet," I murmured to myself.  Tentatively I reached for a handful of hair and tugged.  In my grasp came a clump of hair.  Yes, it was time.

     I can still feel the raw, emotional pain that gripped my heart that one single day in the park.  Our family played for awhile longer, but Rick could see that I was distracted.  He gently asked, "Are you alright?"  With panic in my voice I whispered back,  "No.  My hair is beginning to fall out!  And, I'm not gonna look very pretty for you."  Inside I felt like screaming about life's unfairness and how I didn't deserve to have cancer.  "Why me!?"  I moaned to myself.  I most certainly did NOT want to lose my hair and look like Sigourney Weaver in the "Alien" movies!

     The bottom line, though, was that I would lose most of my hair within the week.  Both Rick and I had tried to prepare for this moment.  My precious mother bought a human-hair wig. And we bought hats & scarves with the hope of hiding my impending baldness.  The truth of the matter was that I would still feel bald & ugly no matter what measures I took.   All those years of perms and hair cuts seemed worthless & unnecessary in light of this new reality.  Later I stood in our bathroom with the door locked pulling handfuls and handfuls of hair from my head.  "Where does all this hair come from?"  I wondered. 

     The next day I called my hairdresser to see if he would shave my head.  With sorrowful eyes Eddie took me to a private stall so that others couldn't see the shaving of my head.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched my hair slip silently to the floor.  Soon enough I was without a single strand of hair on my head.   "Don't worry, Kathy,"  Eddie said.  "I have taken care of lots of women who have lost their hair from chemo.  When your hair returns, it will be thick and luxurious!  Just you wait ... "  His kind words brought me some measure of encouragement & hope.

     I allowed only a few pictures during this season of 'no hair'.  The first is a picture of me soon after my head was shaved wearing a turban-scarf.  I looked pale and had dark circles beneath both eyes.  There is a faint smile on my lips.  I'm sitting outside on our front door step trying to play with Megan & Jeremy.  It's chilly and I'm really wanting to go inside and lie down. 

     I remember once telling Rick just how ugly I felt without having hair.  I'll never, ever forget his words to me that night.  "Kathy, you are just as beautiful to me without any hair as the day I married you."  I realized just how fortunate I was to have a husband like Rick.  He showed me the love of God that night.  He offered me an unconditional love.  Humbled and grateful, I lifted a short prayer of gratitude to God for this wonderful man in my life.

     The last picture taken was one of me wearing my human-hair wig.  In this picture I am smiling because I'm riding the Plaza Trolley with my children and a dear friend & her children.  My chemo was finished and spring was in the air =)  The winds were blowing wildly that fine May day, but my wig hairs were barely moving due to hair-spray.  It felt good to feel almost normal after four long months.  In this picture my eyebrows are much thinned, but there were emerging  baby-soft hairs on my head which offered a measure of hope for returned normalcy.

       In time my hair did grow back just like Eddie said it would.  It was baby soft and curly =)  Oh, how lovely to have my hair once again =) I can't say that I ever truly felt beautiful without my hair, but I can tell you that I learned and began to realize that beauty is really only skin deep.  During this time of loss, I realized that who I am is more than just the outward shell that others see.  My true friends saw beneath the pallor.  They showed me unconditional love & acceptance for just being me.  And by their genuine love I grew to appreciate myself even without hair on my head.  Rick's love was unconditional and I began to heal internally with his free no-strings-attached gift.

     Now when I see someone who appears to be in the throes of chemo, I utter a short, silent prayer and (sometimes) introduce myself as "someone who's lost their hair, too".  It's amazing to see their smile and to feel an instant connection.  Then I offer them the same comfort that Eddie offered me years ago, ... "When your hair returns, it will probably return baby soft and curly ... and you are gorgeous even today without your hair."