Lady In Waiting

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage.  Yes, wait for the Lord." 
 Psalm 27: 14.         

 "Please, dear God!  Please let my boy friend love me as I love him!" I petitioned God one night.  With silent tears streaming down my cheeks I cried, "Let us be together always!"  The year was 1976 and I lay in my shared dorm room at K.U. (Kansas, that is.) flipping through my bible looking for verses of promise and hope.  Most recently I'd been re-baptized and was trying to understand the Christian way of life.  So far I was seeking answers to help bolster my own agenda.   I found one from the book of John, verse 14:  "If you ask anything in my name, I will do it."  I clung to this bible verse asking God to give me the desires of my heart.

      Our relationship was doomed.   I soon found out that this current boyfriend had another girlfriend back home, and I had been a happy diversion for a brief few months of time.  My heart was broken, not only by the break-up of this relationship, but also with what I presumed was God's broken promise (as uttered by Jesus' disciple, John, no less.).  "I thought you would give me the desires of my heart, God.  Why wouldn't you let us stay together!? I asked in Your name!?"  Weren't those the magic words to utter when asking God for something special!?

    As in the past I turned to escape from the pains of this world with continued abuse of alcohol and free-style living.  I fled from God, too.  His way was just too painful for me to bear.  I wanted my own way, not His way.  Waiting wasn't an option!  My heart was bruised and in great anguish from rejection, hurt and humiliation.  In desperation I finished my year at K.U. in a haze of partying, then, abruptly transferred to a small university in southwestern Missouri.

     For the next ten years I dated a string of young men who would never seem to really love me for me.  Deep in my heart I grew afraid that maybe I wasn't truly lovable, and perhaps,  would never find someone who would love me unconditionally.  My varied boyfriends were lots of fun, but curiously, most were just as mixed-up as I was.  We sought to find truth in this world through a host of other sources that didn't include God.  We had lots of fun together, but had no destination in mind as far as I could tell.

     Finally, the day came when I simply gave-up on my desire to find the perfect mate.  I remember clearly watching my then-boyfriend leave for his homeland of Iran, knowing in my heart that we would never meet, again.  As I turned and walked from the airport to my car I began to forge a new identity.   The process was slow and rather tedious, but over the next several months, I gradually began to think of myself as a valuable human being who was capable to offering something of value to others in this world.  I stood a little straighter and began to make plans for a future ~ with or without someone to share it with.

     My plans were to finish nursing school, which I did, and work for a year in Kansas City.  Then I intended to join the United States Navy as an officer.  What better way to see the world, I reasoned, than by gliding along the ocean seas in a Navy destroyer!?  Oh, what dreams I entertained.  Visions of extending comfort and care to injured soldiers and rest-filled days off lying in the sun on some distant sandy shore offered a sense of excitement and authenticity to me.

     I had begun to allow God just a little bit more into my life, too.  "Please, God, help me to move forward. Help me to be a good person doing good works for those in need.  And if perchance I ever meet a man ...," I prayed one night.  The process of healing had begun.

     Soon thereafter I met Rick ~ my soul mate who loves me unconditionally.  It was a very long wait ~ or so it seemed to me.  While most of my friends were already married, I was one of the last in my group of friends to do so.  In the end, God's best turned out to be my best.  My long wait for a soul mate was finally over.