Lady In Waiting

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage.  Yes, wait for the Lord." 
 Psalm 27: 14.         

 "Please, dear God!  Please let my boy friend love me as I love him!" I petitioned God one night.  With silent tears streaming down my cheeks I cried, "Let us be together always!"  The year was 1976 and I lay in my shared dorm room at K.U. (Kansas, that is.) flipping through my bible looking for verses of promise and hope.  Most recently I'd been re-baptized and was trying to understand the Christian way of life.  So far I was seeking answers to help bolster my own agenda.   I found one from the book of John, verse 14:  "If you ask anything in my name, I will do it."  I clung to this bible verse asking God to give me the desires of my heart.

      Our relationship was doomed.   I soon found out that this current boyfriend had another girlfriend back home, and I had been a happy diversion for a brief few months of time.  My heart was broken, not only by the break-up of this relationship, but also with what I presumed was God's broken promise (as uttered by Jesus' disciple, John, no less.).  "I thought you would give me the desires of my heart, God.  Why wouldn't you let us stay together!? I asked in Your name!?"  Weren't those the magic words to utter when asking God for something special!?

    As in the past I turned to escape from the pains of this world with continued abuse of alcohol and free-style living.  I fled from God, too.  His way was just too painful for me to bear.  I wanted my own way, not His way.  Waiting wasn't an option!  My heart was bruised and in great anguish from rejection, hurt and humiliation.  In desperation I finished my year at K.U. in a haze of partying, then, abruptly transferred to a small university in southwestern Missouri.

     For the next ten years I dated a string of young men who would never seem to really love me for me.  Deep in my heart I grew afraid that maybe I wasn't truly lovable, and perhaps,  would never find someone who would love me unconditionally.  My varied boyfriends were lots of fun, but curiously, most were just as mixed-up as I was.  We sought to find truth in this world through a host of other sources that didn't include God.  We had lots of fun together, but had no destination in mind as far as I could tell.

     Finally, the day came when I simply gave-up on my desire to find the perfect mate.  I remember clearly watching my then-boyfriend leave for his homeland of Iran, knowing in my heart that we would never meet, again.  As I turned and walked from the airport to my car I began to forge a new identity.   The process was slow and rather tedious, but over the next several months, I gradually began to think of myself as a valuable human being who was capable to offering something of value to others in this world.  I stood a little straighter and began to make plans for a future ~ with or without someone to share it with.

     My plans were to finish nursing school, which I did, and work for a year in Kansas City.  Then I intended to join the United States Navy as an officer.  What better way to see the world, I reasoned, than by gliding along the ocean seas in a Navy destroyer!?  Oh, what dreams I entertained.  Visions of extending comfort and care to injured soldiers and rest-filled days off lying in the sun on some distant sandy shore offered a sense of excitement and authenticity to me.

     I had begun to allow God just a little bit more into my life, too.  "Please, God, help me to move forward. Help me to be a good person doing good works for those in need.  And if perchance I ever meet a man ...," I prayed one night.  The process of healing had begun.

     Soon thereafter I met Rick ~ my soul mate who loves me unconditionally.  It was a very long wait ~ or so it seemed to me.  While most of my friends were already married, I was one of the last in my group of friends to do so.  In the end, God's best turned out to be my best.  My long wait for a soul mate was finally over.

Deceptions of the Devil

      "When someone tells you to consult mediums and spiritists, who whisper and mutter should not a people inquire of their God?  Why consult the dead on behalf of the living?"  Isaiah 8:19 

     One beautiful fall day in 1990 I attended a Psychic Fair with a friend in the East Bottoms district of downtown Kansas City. The scene resembled a costume party with many of the attendees and vendors wearing outrageous outfits designed to invoke an air of solemn mystical exploring.  Booths were set up so that attendees could pick and choose which sort of psychic activity to be a part of.  One might purchase palm readings for $5 or tarot card readings for $10. 

     Rounding a corner I walked past a booth made to look like an old-fashioned lean-to with shelves and shelves of little vials.  I remember seeing one little bottle with the label "bat's blood" on it!  For some reason this exhibit gave me the creeps.  Then one elderly woman sidled next to me and whispered,  "Don't let anyone touch your little baby!"  I thought she was asking if she could hold precious Megan who was nestled across my chest in a baby carrier.  "Oh, no, thank you," I stammered.  "She's just fine with me."  "No," the lady urgently hissed.  "I said DON'T let anyone touch your baby.  They will try to steal the energy from her -- a baby's energy is very strong, indeed."  Let me assure you -- no one touched even one hair on Megan's head!  And my friend and I left soon thereafter.

    And that's when I realized that delving into the psychic world of the occult was sinister, and perhaps, even dangerous.  When I left the Fair that day I resolved never to venture into this world again.  And when I became a Christian, God began to show me just how much He'd protected me during my times of experimenting with the occult.

     Who doesn't want to have the perfect answers for life?   Which of us doesn't want to know our future or at least the good parts of our future?  As a child and even into my twenties I sought answers to questions and my future through various psychic means.  

     My first forays into the psychic realm began in elementary school through typical games of the 60's like "Magic 8 Ball".  My friends and I would sit close together and ask important questions to the ball like,  "Does Bryan love me?"  and "Will I get a good teacher for sixth grade?"  If we didn't like the answers it was easy to ask again and again, hoping for the eventual very best answer of all, "Decidedly so"! 

     Then there was a game called "Ka-bala with the Might Eye of Zolar".  My friends and I sat around this board game, chanting the magical words, "Pax, Sax, ..." (as the instructions said to) and wait for the mysterious black marble to swirl around and around a groove until it landed on one of many symbols which would spell out your future.  Another popular game we played was the "Ouija Board" which was supposed to answer questions about anything and everything. 

     Combing the horoscope columns in the newspaper I looked daily to see what kind of day I might have.  I bought Linda Thompson's "Book of Sun Signs" so that I could read about my own sun sign and the signs of others.  It was fun and (I thought) educational.  By my junior year in high school I'd bought a deck of tarot cards and for some reason, I couldn't get myself to spend much time learning how to use them properly.  There was something chilling and sinister about these cards and I was just a little scared of them.   The "death card" was especially worrisome to me. 

     Fortunately for me, none of these games did much spelling of answers to my many questions.  And most often, the answers I did shake-out were incorrect.  And I don't remember what the gypsy fortune teller told me when I visited her while in college.  It's a good thing, too, because I don't want to know my future anymore! 

     As a mature middle-aged woman, I am filled with regret and rue over those days of seeking answers to my future.  I am very certain that God saved me from uncertain evil and unrest during those searching times.  As one who became a Christian later in life, I seem to return to my past periodically and watch God peel yet another layer of deceit from myself.  Compelled to break free from my past I have asked God to sever any link from my exploration into the occult.  The deceit was that answers for my future could be found in other places besides God.  And even now I am coming to the realization that it is best that I not know the future.

     Because of my history into the dark world of psychic exploration I am especially careful about the movies and TV shows I watch, the books I read and the music I listen to.  I believe that God has called me to eliminate any part of the occult world from my present life.  Because of this I sometimes find myself a little alone and, yes, even a little ostracized for my beliefs.  All because I feel called to forsake completely the things of the "dark".

     I believe there are several reasons for staying away from the world of psychic phenomenon and the occult, but here are my top five reasons:

     We turn away from a True faith in Jesus.
     We look to others for guidance rather than God.
     We open ourselves up to spirits other than the True Spirit of God.
     We are disobeying the Word of God -- the bible which clearly warns us not 

      to engage with the occult.
              

     "When you enter the land the Lord God is giving you, do not learn to imitate the detestable ways of the nations there.  Let no one be found among you who ... practices divination and sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead.  Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord ... You must be blameless before the Lord your God."  Deuteronomy 18: 9-13