Vision of Oppression

 It was an intensely stressful season in my life, but a phone call from my friend, Steve, helped put it all into perspective for me. 

First, Jeremy was diagnosed with autism. 

The years before Jeremy was diagnosed with autism were wearying and full of anxiety.  I knew in my gut that something was wrong with our beautiful little boy, and truth be told, suspected autism.  But no one would seriously take heed of my concerns including the pediatrician and my husband. For two years I wrestled within myself with two opposing voices in my head.  First, the negative thoughts, "You worry too much.  Jeremy's just a late bloomer.  You're comparing him to your older, very verbal 3-year-old daughter." Then the positive thoughts, "Maybe Jeremy will be okay. Maybe if I work a little harder teaching (Jeremy) words and hosting more boy play dates with friends, he will perk-up."  

I vacillated between feelings of guilt or responsibility for Jeremy's delayed development.   I was so internally anxious that I even sent myself to counseling just to have someone listen to me and not think I was crazy.

With my burdened past I  worked diligently to somehow prove to God that I was worthy of His love and grace.  However, as much as I worked to control my anxieties and trust God, in reality I was full of anxiety and deep feelings of worthlessness from previous choices in life.

Finally, when Jeremy was almost four years old,  I received an official diagnosis from health care professionals.  Jeremy had pervasive developmental disorder aka autism. I poured an extra measure of guilt into my soul.  "Why did you wait? It's your fault for not taking the initiative to push harder." After self-condemnation, I remember thinking, "I can fix this." From the moment our son was diagnosed I began a sure and steady campaign to learn all about how to help our beautiful son, Jeremy.  

Soon the holidays brought a season of respite and great fun for our family. We were able to celebrate with both sets of grandparents and family from St. Louis.  I was finding a measure of peace in life.  Megan was doing well with first grade homeschool, and Jeremy was receiving daily therapy from a special developmental preschool. 

Second, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Between Christmas and New Years I felt a curious thickening in my right breast while in the shower.  I was scheduled for a biopsy within a week or two.  Rick and I were encouraged by friends who gathered to pray. I really wasn't worried about any breast cancer.  But, then I received a mysterious phone call from a serious, be speckled gentleman who attended our church. 

The day before my scheduled biopsy, I received a phone call.  "Kathy?" asked Steve, "Do you have a few minutes to talk?"  This sounded serious.  Our friend then, proceeded to share that he'd been praying for me and believed God had given him a vision.  Here is what he told me:

"I saw you standing in your living room with a HUGE fly on your back.  And, this fly totally covered your entire back - it was that large.  Then, suddenly, two men transported from the ceiling into the living room.  (Think Star Trek.) At this point, the fly changed into a man, and the two men kicked the fly-man out the front door. He is gone and will never be allowed to return.

I share this with you because I believe God wants you to know that He's allowed Satan to oppress (sift) you, but now He is lifting that oppression so that you can more fully fight what's coming your way. 

Kathy, life isn't always easy.  But God wants you to know that you can move forward with greater strength now that (Satan's) oppression has been lifted."

From scripture I know that "the devil prowls around looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8), that he bides his time for opportune moments (Luke 4:13), that he puts thoughts into our heads (John 13:2), that his suggestions must be firmly resisted (James 4:7) and shares how to resist them (Ephesians 6:10-20). ~ World Magazine, August 20, 2013.

Furthermore, I know from the Bible that Jesus proclaimed to Peter, "Peter, Peter, Satan has asked permission to sift you." (Luke 22:31) But God uses these experiences for our good (Romans 8:28), to refine our character and, to strengthen our faith (1 Peter 1: 6-7 and James 1: 2-4, 12). 

God had allowed Satan to sift me as a Christian woman. It was an excruciating two years of trial, but by the time my cancer was exposed, I was stronger and better able to cope with life.

To this day I stand in amazement that God would use this gentle and prayerful business man to share the vision with me.  But He did and I'm eternally grateful for His lifting the oppression.  Like Peter, I was allowed to be sifted by Satan aka Beelzebub*.  I had struggled emotionally and physically the two years prior to my diagnosis with breast cancer.  While I went on to suffer greatly with chemotherapy and surgery, I did so without the painful anxieties I'd experienced previously.  Through my trials, I was strengthened and learned about the power in the name of Jesus.

There are spiritual wars taking place between the forces of God and the forces of evil. But remember this, beloved, "In the name of Jesus, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord." (Philippians 2:10) When I'm faced with difficult situations or assaulted with less-than-holy thoughts, I now am able to voice aloud, "Jesus, help me!" with confidence and full trust in His deliverance.

*(Beelzebub, prince of devils, from Latin; from Greek, Beelzeboub; from Hebrew, 
Ba'al Zebhubh, a Philistine god, literally, lord of the flies ~ taken from Merriam-Webster)

Sleep Paralysis

"Be alert and of sober mind for the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour ..."  1 Peter 5:8 

"Therefore God exalted him (Jesus) to the highest place and gave Him the name that is above every name."  Philippians 2:9   

My father died the very last day of July, 2002.  He was a loving, good-hearted man with multiple health issues.  For many years he'd suffered from a variety of ailments -- heart valve leakage, myoclonic jerk disorder, diverticulitis, depression, and so on.  When he died our family was sad, yet relieved.  I had no doubt that my dad had ascended to heaven -- but that's for another blog.

     I remember standing by Dad's casket looking down at his deceased body.  Dad had become a true believer in Christ after he'd suffered a sort of mid-life crisis twenty-five years earlier.  As the years went by I watched my dad pray more, read the bible more and find a sense of contentment for his position in life.  More than once I witnessed Dad praying beside his bed -- on his knees. 

     As I stood looking at my dad as he lay in the casket there was a subtle shift in my spirit that's hard to describe.  I remember sensing this mantle-like cloak settling down upon my shoulders.  "As your father prayed, so shall you," whispered a gentle, quiet voice into my ears.  I shuddered.  "NO, I don't want it!" I thought.  "He suffered so much ... and I don't want to suffer like my dad!"  Shrugging it off, I turned to sit with my family as the service began. 

     Following the funeral our family was invited to spend some time with friends at their house on Lake of the Ozarks, mom included.  So off the six of us went for a weekend of sunshine and relaxation.  It was a very strange time for all of us.  We enjoyed jet skiing, tubing behind their speed boat and floating on rafts around their dock.  Our family spent this time reflecting on Dad's death and our future.  It was a bittersweet time for all of us.  I missed my dad.  We were very close.  I could talk to my dad about almost anything.

     Rick and I went to bed after tucking both Megan and Jeremy in for the night.  It was a splendid house and our bedroom overlooked the beautiful lake.  Swiftly I drifted to sleep amid a sense of peace and gratefulness for this time away. 

      Sometime later I woke up but found myself unable to move.  It was the strangest sensation -- like a huge pillow-body was lying across me.  I frantically searched the room but didn't see anyone or anything.  It was like I was awake, but a little asleep, too.  Trying to speak proved difficult as all I could manage was a small croak,  "Help."  No success in waking Rick, I tried again.  "Help, me!" I managed to squeak one more time.  The oppressive weight was slowly sinking into my chest and I found myself struggling for breath.   "Am I dying!?" I wondered.  

     Suddenly I heard that still, small, gentle voice that I'd heard at my dad's funeral say,  "Call out for Jesus.  His name is more powerful than all."  

     "Okay, I'll do it,"  I thought to myself.  So with a firm resolve I took in as much air as I could muster and hoarsely belted out, "Jesus!!!"  Immediately the heaviness of pillow-man lifted and I sensed this spirit of oppression leave the room.  I had managed to scream the name of Jesus so loudly that Rick woke up only to find me sitting straight-up!  Imagine Rick's surprise to have been awakened so abruptly in the middle of the night! 

     I don't know how I fell to sleep after such an exhausting fight, but I seemed to drift off to sleep with relative ease.  In the morning I woke with vivid memories of this night time incident and grew trouble.  Visible shaken, I shared what had happened to me with our friends.  I was stunned by my friend's response,  "I've experienced that before, too."

     Ten years later I can still recall that night with vivid detail.  It was a valuable lesson for me and I've only shared this story with a few people until now.  I learned that the name of Jesus is more powerful than any name in all the heavens and the earth.  And I learned God sometimes allows us to experience oppressing times while on earth -- for a variety of reasons.  I believe that God was allowing me to see that evil would try to thwart my plans and possibly even try to do harm to me at times.  But God clearly is in control.  

     Now, when I am afraid or going through difficult times (especially emotional times) I will sometimes just say the name "Jesus" aloud.  It's amazing how quickly the mood of the room will change.  

     And, I have become a woman of prayer ... no longer afraid, but strong in the name of Christ Jesus.  Amen.