Vision of Oppression

 It was an intensely stressful season in my life, but a phone call from my friend, Steve, helped put it all into perspective for me. 

First, Jeremy was diagnosed with autism. 

The years before Jeremy was diagnosed with autism were wearying and full of anxiety.  I knew in my gut that something was wrong with our beautiful little boy, and truth be told, suspected autism.  But no one would seriously take heed of my concerns including the pediatrician and my husband. For two years I wrestled within myself with two opposing voices in my head.  First, the negative thoughts, "You worry too much.  Jeremy's just a late bloomer.  You're comparing him to your older, very verbal 3-year-old daughter." Then the positive thoughts, "Maybe Jeremy will be okay. Maybe if I work a little harder teaching (Jeremy) words and hosting more boy play dates with friends, he will perk-up."  

I vacillated between feelings of guilt or responsibility for Jeremy's delayed development.   I was so internally anxious that I even sent myself to counseling just to have someone listen to me and not think I was crazy.

With my burdened past I  worked diligently to somehow prove to God that I was worthy of His love and grace.  However, as much as I worked to control my anxieties and trust God, in reality I was full of anxiety and deep feelings of worthlessness from previous choices in life.

Finally, when Jeremy was almost four years old,  I received an official diagnosis from health care professionals.  Jeremy had pervasive developmental disorder aka autism. I poured an extra measure of guilt into my soul.  "Why did you wait? It's your fault for not taking the initiative to push harder." After self-condemnation, I remember thinking, "I can fix this." From the moment our son was diagnosed I began a sure and steady campaign to learn all about how to help our beautiful son, Jeremy.  

Soon the holidays brought a season of respite and great fun for our family. We were able to celebrate with both sets of grandparents and family from St. Louis.  I was finding a measure of peace in life.  Megan was doing well with first grade homeschool, and Jeremy was receiving daily therapy from a special developmental preschool. 

Second, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Between Christmas and New Years I felt a curious thickening in my right breast while in the shower.  I was scheduled for a biopsy within a week or two.  Rick and I were encouraged by friends who gathered to pray. I really wasn't worried about any breast cancer.  But, then I received a mysterious phone call from a serious, be speckled gentleman who attended our church. 

The day before my scheduled biopsy, I received a phone call.  "Kathy?" asked Steve, "Do you have a few minutes to talk?"  This sounded serious.  Our friend then, proceeded to share that he'd been praying for me and believed God had given him a vision.  Here is what he told me:

"I saw you standing in your living room with a HUGE fly on your back.  And, this fly totally covered your entire back - it was that large.  Then, suddenly, two men transported from the ceiling into the living room.  (Think Star Trek.) At this point, the fly changed into a man, and the two men kicked the fly-man out the front door. He is gone and will never be allowed to return.

I share this with you because I believe God wants you to know that He's allowed Satan to oppress (sift) you, but now He is lifting that oppression so that you can more fully fight what's coming your way. 

Kathy, life isn't always easy.  But God wants you to know that you can move forward with greater strength now that (Satan's) oppression has been lifted."

From scripture I know that "the devil prowls around looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8), that he bides his time for opportune moments (Luke 4:13), that he puts thoughts into our heads (John 13:2), that his suggestions must be firmly resisted (James 4:7) and shares how to resist them (Ephesians 6:10-20). ~ World Magazine, August 20, 2013.

Furthermore, I know from the Bible that Jesus proclaimed to Peter, "Peter, Peter, Satan has asked permission to sift you." (Luke 22:31) But God uses these experiences for our good (Romans 8:28), to refine our character and, to strengthen our faith (1 Peter 1: 6-7 and James 1: 2-4, 12). 

God had allowed Satan to sift me as a Christian woman. It was an excruciating two years of trial, but by the time my cancer was exposed, I was stronger and better able to cope with life.

To this day I stand in amazement that God would use this gentle and prayerful business man to share the vision with me.  But He did and I'm eternally grateful for His lifting the oppression.  Like Peter, I was allowed to be sifted by Satan aka Beelzebub*.  I had struggled emotionally and physically the two years prior to my diagnosis with breast cancer.  While I went on to suffer greatly with chemotherapy and surgery, I did so without the painful anxieties I'd experienced previously.  Through my trials, I was strengthened and learned about the power in the name of Jesus.

There are spiritual wars taking place between the forces of God and the forces of evil. But remember this, beloved, "In the name of Jesus, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord." (Philippians 2:10) When I'm faced with difficult situations or assaulted with less-than-holy thoughts, I now am able to voice aloud, "Jesus, help me!" with confidence and full trust in His deliverance.

*(Beelzebub, prince of devils, from Latin; from Greek, Beelzeboub; from Hebrew, 
Ba'al Zebhubh, a Philistine god, literally, lord of the flies ~ taken from Merriam-Webster)

My friend, Miriam

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help ... " Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 ...

     Recently I had dinner with a long-time friend, Miriam.  Our friendship has spanned almost 18 years  and has withstood the test of time and distance.  Catching-up while enjoying sushi and grilled tuna, Miriam and I marveled at how easily we slid into comfortable companionship.  Truth be told, I consider Miriam to be my very best friend -- minus God, Rick and my sister.  One might ask what is so special about this friendship?  Let me tell you how our how friendship began and grew into a solid relationship built on nothing less than truth and love.

     Dealing with breast cancer at the age of 36 was not an easy thing to do.  For one, I had no one else my age going through chemotherapy, too.  And because people often shy away from those dealing with cancer, I had lost a few very close friends as well.  As I languished in bed, reeling from the effects of treatment, I asked God to please bring me a friend -- someone who would truly understand what I was going through.  

     I'm often told that God knows what we need and will provide for us in His timing.  I desperately wanted a friend who would understand the pain and suffering I was feeling.  But for the first six months of this new sort of life,  no such friend surfaced and I wrestled with life as best I could.  

     Just one month after my first surgery, February 1996, on a cold and wintry Sunday, Rick and I decided to visit a new church.  While settling our young children into Sunday school, one of the pastors told me of another young woman in their congregation going through breast cancer treatment like me.  "Oh, could you please arrange for the two of to meet?" I implored.  The young pastor promised to try to do just that.  Soon thereafter I was given Miriam's phone number to call -- which I did.  Weeks went by and I never heard from Miriam.  In time I finished therapy and began trying to rebuild my strength and vitality.   

     In August 1996, the Kansas City Race for the Cure was held at Town Center Square.  My surgeon opened her offices to host her special patients with a continental breakfast -- then everyone walked together to nearby Town Center Square for the race.  While standing among mostly older women at my surgeon's office, I noticed one young woman standing alongside her husband.  She looked to be close to my age.  Being a super-extroverted personality, I quickly scooted to this couple.  The four of us engaged in lively chatter and later walked most of the route together :)

    As you might guess, the young woman was Miriam!  The two of us learned that we shared more than just a diagnosis of breast cancer.  We also shared the same breast cancer surgeon, plastic surgeon and same oncology doctor group.  Miriam is just a few years younger than me, but we both had experienced this horrid disease in our 30's.  She remembered my phone call, but was just too sick to return a call.  Miriam, too, felt alone in her struggle against breast cancer.

     In His perfect timing, God brought the two of us into a friendship that would help carry us through the next years with laughter and loving encouragement.  Although we have very different lives -- Miriam is career-oriented and without children, while I mostly work at home and have three children -- God knew we would share more than just our outward lives together.  We share common values and struggles, but also share our belief in Christ, as well.  I am so grateful for this friend of mine.

     Miriam and I were able to support and encourage one another through some very difficult years.  We met often to share secrets with one another -- to talk about cancer, which is so important for some of us -- and to express our dismay with lingering side effects.  When no one else really understood the pain I felt, Miriam did.  To this day I meet with Miriam and enjoy the closeness that few others experience in life.  We still talk about cancer but not as much as during those early years.  Nowadays we talk about other things like our families and future career paths.  Although my friend now lives in another state, we are able to travel to one another's cities at least yearly -- sometimes twice yearly.  

     This year we celebrate 18 years of living cancer free.  It hasn't been an easy road, but in retrospect, it was easier just knowing someone else was walking through this war with me.  Thank you, Miriam, for your unconditional love and support.  I love you, dear friend.

"... A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer ..."  Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 (continued from above)

Precious Bundle of Joy -- Rebekah (conclusion)

"Every generous act of giving and every perfect gift is from above and comes from the Father who made the heavenly lights, in whom there is no inconsistency or shifting shadow."  James 1:17     

     As we awaited news of our impending adoption from the Lighthouse, Rick and I busily steered our family through the daily grind of living.  Jeremy was still actively receiving therapy for his developmental disabilities while Megan had successfully integrated into second grade. 

     Summer was soon upon us.  As our family made plans to vacation in Colorado, Rick and I waited expectantly for an assigned social worker to complete the second half of our home study.  It had been almost two months since we'd sent our $500 check to retain a lawyer.  As the summer progressed and our vacation loomed closer I grew concerned that we would be traveling when our baby-to-be was born and we'd not completed our home study, yet.   So I left a voice mail to let the Lighthouse know that we would be gone for ten days in July.  Two days later our social worker came over to finish our home study and began telling us about a newborn baby girl who had been born just two days earlier. According to Phyllis, the birth mother had chosen us to be her baby's adoptive family.  Because of my earlier phone message to the Lighthouse, Phyllis was told to share the exciting news of Rebekah's birth with us before we left town! We were, then, informed that we would be allowed to see the baby before leaving for vacation.   We were elated.

     With great excitement our family drove to see Rebekah for the very first time!  Megan was beside herself with great anticipation!   As we drove through the streets of southern Kansas City I thought of how our lives would change in just a few weeks.  We continued to pray for God's affirmation that this little baby was to be the little one chosen by God for us.

     As we climbed out of our mini-van I remember gazing down the street only to see a tall man leisurely walking his dog along the sidewalk.  Reaching in to remove Jeremy from his car seat, I looked once more and could scarcely believe my eyes!  The tall man was the very same friend who'd originally told us of God's plan to bless us with another child!  God was clearly affirming to us that this child was God’s chosen baby for us!  As we exchanged pleasantries and shared surprise to be standing together outside the foster family's home, I snapped a picture of our friend and his dog.  It rests in Rebekah's baby book to this day.  

     Our family left for Colorado soon thereafter.  Besides riding horses, walking through the mountain meadows and eating BBQ, Rick and I spent a lot of time discussing the planned arrival of our third child.  My family stood in amazement to think that God would bless us with little Rebekah!  Thanking Him for His goodness and mercy, we excitedly began planning for our  new baby’s arrival.  Eager to return home, we drove straight home to Kansas with very few stops. 

     Rebekah was required by law to stay with a Lighthouse foster family for the interim before our first court date.  During this time we learned that our birth mother had become a committed Christian while staying at the Lighthouse and had decided upon our family with firm resolve that we were perfect for her darling baby.  (Our family had prayed specifically for this to happen.)
    
     As Rebekah's foster family, the Norbergs were a lovely family.  We would stay in touch with them throughout the years.  This family has continued to pray for Rebekah and their daughter, Kathleen, introduced her to the world of classical dancing.  The two of them enjoy a casual, easy-going relationship – both are very creative and bright -- and still share a passion for dance. 

     At fifteen Rebekah is a stunningly beautiful teenager.  She has brought much joy and laughter into our family!  Rebekah is a beautiful dancer with boundless energy and an infectious optimism.  She has been a joyful additional to our family – and we are so grateful to God for His bountiful gift to us.

Abortion Recovery

    "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."  -- Proverbs 3: 5-6  

          The year was 1986.  Much had changed since 1976.  Vices like drinking and smoking had given way to studying and serious living.  I was in my senior year of college (second time around) about to finish with a nursing degree.  Somehow I managed to finish undergraduate school with social work and sociology degrees -- and was now finishing a degree in nursing.  For the first time in a long time I felt relaxed and more at peace with myself and even excited for my new career as a nurse. 

Then I met the man who would help to heal my wounded heart.

     Rick and I were instantly attracted to one another and married one year later.  He was someone who knew my past and loved me anyway.  We lived an exciting life together those first couple of years.  Then along came Megan, our firstborn daughter, and a trip to Hawaii with my family that ultimately changed both our lives.  Because Rick credited God with saving his life from a dangerous rip-tide, we headed back to church.  Neither of us had been seriously involved in church for many years, but Rick wanted to dedicate his life to God in gratitude for saving his life.  (See 'Lost At Sea" blog for details.) 

      As a wife and mother, I can now see that I worked hard to earn God's love and a place in heaven someday.  I was a mother of two children less than five years of age, one of whom was showing signs of developmental delay. And seemingly overnight, I morphed into a helicopter mother -- hovering nearby in a desperate to prevent bad things from happening to those I loved. I strove to be the perfect mother.  It was a terrible stress to my body and mind. 

     If anyone asked about my thoughts on abortion, I said that I was pro-choice.  And there I remained for several years -- while attending church, teaching Sunday school and participating in bible studies.  Remember, I'd pushed the memories from the abortion into the deepest recesses of my mind. And, I needed to justify my decision to have the abortion.

     Then came Jeremy's diagnosis of autism along with my diagnosis of breast cancer later that same year.  God now had my complete attention and I was powerless to do much besides fight the cancer with surgery and chemotherapy.  I could no longer trust in just myself.  I trusted my doctors to help pick the right treatments, but soon knew that I needed to trust God even more.  

Six months later I finished surgery and chemotherapy -- and found myself dealing with life issues once again.  With a fresh perspective on life I began to think deeply about myself and my past.  No longer content to just do, I began to focus on who I was and why I was still here on this earth.  I'd heard about a bible study for women who'd had abortions. Maybe I should register for this study.

     I finally went through the eight-week study with four other women about a year after finishing treatment for cancer.  I learned about myself and discovered truths I'd not known.  For the first time I began to realize that I had never really forgiven myself.  For so many years I'd squelched all those feelings and memories of the abortion down to the very depths of my being.  I vaguely remembered shutting out the memories the very night of my abortion because they were just too painful to deal with.  But now those memories and feelings were surfacing -- like a teapot bubbles to the boiling point when the heat is turned up.  For years my grief had simmered deep inside, but now rose to the surface.  My grief needed to be examined and explored.  My recovery was slow, but steady, from then on.

     I wish I could tell you that I had it altogether.  It's been many years since I finished that bible study and I am still 'unfinished business'.  I liken our growth and healing to that of peeling an onion.  It seems like God peels one layer at a time.  Each peel is painful, but necessary for growth. 

     There are several resources available to those who have experienced abortion in some fashion.  And there are symptoms of post-abortion that are common to many.  Everyone's journey is very different so it's not fair to expect another who's dealt with an abortion to have the same walk.  We are varied and diverse.  Below I have listed some of the best resources for those wanting or needing to heal and recover. Here are some of the best resources:    
   
     Advice & Aid Pregnancy Center - http://www.adviceandaid.com/ 
     Ramah International - http://www.ramahinternational.org/
     Forgiven and Set Free - A Post-Abortion Bible Study For Women
     Healing A Father's Heart - A Post-Abortion Bible Study For Men
     Rachel's House - A Pregnancy Resource Center - http://www.rachelhouse.com/