Sibling Storm

"A friend is one that knows you are you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow."  ~~ William Shakespeare

     It started over a pair of earrings!  "Will you please help me change earrings, Kathy?" asked my younger sister, Judy.  Sitting in her yellow bedroom in front of her make-up mirror, Judy was struggling to change her earrings. They were tender, having been pierced just a few weeks previously.  "I can't get this one out!" she moaned.  Judy was being extra special careful because she'd been wrestling with an infection immediately after her piercing.

     "Oh, let me see!" Irritated and frustrated that my little sister had dared to interrupt my busy plans, I waltzed into her bedroom.  As an older sister I wasn't always very compassionate or loving to Judy.  This was one of those times.  After looking at her earrings I took hold of one of them and yanked hard.  Upon closer inspection I realized that this pair of earrings was mine, no less.  Angry words tumbled from my mouth as I let my sister know unconditionally that my things were never to be touched.  "Never!  Never!  Never!" I spat venomously!

     Just 23 months apart, I used my elevated status as Older Sister to my advantage throughout our childhood.  Until this point Judy had been just a pesky little sister.  She and I didn't play much together as we had separate friends.  Unless Mom asked me to let Judy tag along, I usually forbad her from playing with my friends and I.  Oh, sure, I loved her.  But we were two years apart and had ferocious sibling rivalry.  And at this point in our lives, I was Queen Bee around the Taral house.  Perhaps 15 years old at the time, I thought I was pretty cool and considered myself years ahead of my 13-year-old  little sister!

     After a minute or so of verbal exchange Judy had finally had enough of my self-centered behavior!  She launched out of her chair and began defending herself.  "You told me I could wear them!  I didn't steal them from you!"  Pretty soon our verbal exchanges moved into pushing, ... then scratching, ... then kicking!  We were really at it when suddenly the doorbell rang.  Both of us ran for the front door to open it, and as Judy placed her hand on the knob to throw open the door, I snatched the back of her hair and tugged backwards ~~ hard.  Standing on our front doorstep with an expression of horror was our neighborhood Fuller-Brush Man.  We pushed our way through the front door and landed ourselves in the front lawn ~~ still kicking and pushing one another!  Further adding to the ruckus was the arrival of our parents whose expressions of surprise and total shock were registered as they slowed down to turn into our driveway!  My mother's expression was priceless and I can still remember her open mouth and stark terror-filled eyes as she took in the scene:  One Fuller-Brush Man at the doorstep, attache in hand, while two teenage daughters battled ferociously in the front yard under the canopy of two tall oak trees!  Suddenly the wind flew out of both Judy and I.  Ashamed, we both trudged back into the house.

     I don't remember what happened after that incident.  My sister and I had one more physical fight in college, then no more.  Although our disagreements and episodic bursts of anger never achieved quite the status as this one, we did battle from time to time.  But we also forged a tie that is strong even today.  I know enough about relationships to know that sometimes there are misunderstandings and even break-ups.  But I think that our tussles are what helps relationships grow strong, too.  When friends and family can work through differences, yes, even angry episodes, then we're giving permission for the other to learn from their mistakes.  Through the years I have learned many things from the relationship I have with my sister, but the one thing I have learned is that she loves me unconditionally despite myself and visa versa.  And because we love unconditionally, we both better understand how solid relationships and friendships are to work.  We are able to talk through our differences.  Although it isn't always easy we have learned that talking through our misunderstandings is essential for maintaining our respect and support for one another.  

      I wish I had been a little more tolerant of my younger sister in our formative years.  She's really a lot of fun and has a wicked sense of humor!  We might have shared some really fun times together ...   

My friend, Miriam

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help ... " Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 ...

     Recently I had dinner with a long-time friend, Miriam.  Our friendship has spanned almost 18 years  and has withstood the test of time and distance.  Catching-up while enjoying sushi and grilled tuna, Miriam and I marveled at how easily we slid into comfortable companionship.  Truth be told, I consider Miriam to be my very best friend -- minus God, Rick and my sister.  One might ask what is so special about this friendship?  Let me tell you how our how friendship began and grew into a solid relationship built on nothing less than truth and love.

     Dealing with breast cancer at the age of 36 was not an easy thing to do.  For one, I had no one else my age going through chemotherapy, too.  And because people often shy away from those dealing with cancer, I had lost a few very close friends as well.  As I languished in bed, reeling from the effects of treatment, I asked God to please bring me a friend -- someone who would truly understand what I was going through.  

     I'm often told that God knows what we need and will provide for us in His timing.  I desperately wanted a friend who would understand the pain and suffering I was feeling.  But for the first six months of this new sort of life,  no such friend surfaced and I wrestled with life as best I could.  

     Just one month after my first surgery, February 1996, on a cold and wintry Sunday, Rick and I decided to visit a new church.  While settling our young children into Sunday school, one of the pastors told me of another young woman in their congregation going through breast cancer treatment like me.  "Oh, could you please arrange for the two of to meet?" I implored.  The young pastor promised to try to do just that.  Soon thereafter I was given Miriam's phone number to call -- which I did.  Weeks went by and I never heard from Miriam.  In time I finished therapy and began trying to rebuild my strength and vitality.   

     In August 1996, the Kansas City Race for the Cure was held at Town Center Square.  My surgeon opened her offices to host her special patients with a continental breakfast -- then everyone walked together to nearby Town Center Square for the race.  While standing among mostly older women at my surgeon's office, I noticed one young woman standing alongside her husband.  She looked to be close to my age.  Being a super-extroverted personality, I quickly scooted to this couple.  The four of us engaged in lively chatter and later walked most of the route together :)

    As you might guess, the young woman was Miriam!  The two of us learned that we shared more than just a diagnosis of breast cancer.  We also shared the same breast cancer surgeon, plastic surgeon and same oncology doctor group.  Miriam is just a few years younger than me, but we both had experienced this horrid disease in our 30's.  She remembered my phone call, but was just too sick to return a call.  Miriam, too, felt alone in her struggle against breast cancer.

     In His perfect timing, God brought the two of us into a friendship that would help carry us through the next years with laughter and loving encouragement.  Although we have very different lives -- Miriam is career-oriented and without children, while I mostly work at home and have three children -- God knew we would share more than just our outward lives together.  We share common values and struggles, but also share our belief in Christ, as well.  I am so grateful for this friend of mine.

     Miriam and I were able to support and encourage one another through some very difficult years.  We met often to share secrets with one another -- to talk about cancer, which is so important for some of us -- and to express our dismay with lingering side effects.  When no one else really understood the pain I felt, Miriam did.  To this day I meet with Miriam and enjoy the closeness that few others experience in life.  We still talk about cancer but not as much as during those early years.  Nowadays we talk about other things like our families and future career paths.  Although my friend now lives in another state, we are able to travel to one another's cities at least yearly -- sometimes twice yearly.  

     This year we celebrate 18 years of living cancer free.  It hasn't been an easy road, but in retrospect, it was easier just knowing someone else was walking through this war with me.  Thank you, Miriam, for your unconditional love and support.  I love you, dear friend.

"... A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer ..."  Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 (continued from above)

A True Friend

     Watching our sons play in the backyard I stood talking with a good friend from church.  Our boys were born the very same day -- November 26th.  At two and a half the boys were as different as night and day.  Alison's son was short in stature and physically coordinated.  Jeremy was taller, but less coordinated.  And try as hard as he could, Matthew just couldn't seem to get Jeremy to play with him.  Instead Jeremy ran around the yard waving broken branches he'd picked up from the ground which was typical behavior for him. 

     With a slight pause, Alison gently asked me,  "Kathy, have you ever thought of autism when you watch Jeremy play?"   Inside my mind screamed, "Yes", but to Alison I said,  "No.  My doctor says Jeremy is just fine and that he's just a late bloomer."  The awkwardness descended and I left soon thereafter.  And I hardly talked to my friend, Alison, for another two years. 

     It wasn't that I didn't like Alison.  Actually, I liked her alot.  But she knew my secret -- a secret that I hadn't been able to accept myself -- that Jeremy just might have a very real problem.  And I couldn't face the thought that someone else might guess my terrible fear.  So I put Alison on a shelf and left her there for quite some time.

     A couple of years later we did have Jeremy tested.  And sure enough, he was diagnosed with autism.  This was in the early 90's when not that many children were being diagnosed with autism so I don't fault my pediatrician -- too much.  But when Jeremy was finally diagnosed I remembered back into my past of all those times when others after Alison had tried to talk with me, including God.

     Later, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my friend Alison called to ask if she could come by.  Although I felt sheepish for ignoring Alison the past couple of years, I also knew that Alison cared about me.  So we made plans for a short visit.  On the day of our scheduled visit, I'd received phone calls from several doctors urging me to start chemotherapy due to the aggressive nature of my cancer.  No one was at home with me that day and I started to panic.  Alison called earlier than expected, listened, then said she was on her way over right then and there.  What a blessing it was to have Alison with me on the very day when I needed someone to cry with.  We prayed and cried together, and I was able to say that I was sorry for leaving our friendship behind.  Without batting an eye my friend said,  "That's okay.  I understood.  And you're still my good friend =)"

     God provided me with this one friend who wasn't afraid to come forward with the truth -- in love and gentleness.  She was willing to sacrifice our friendship knowing that someone needed to speak the truth to me in love.  And God used Alison to minister to me in a very profound way =)  To this day I consider Alison one of my very good friends.  I know that she will be straightforward with me -- and gentle when needed.  My only hope is that I can be that sort of friend to my friends.