The year was 1986. Much had changed since 1976. Vices like drinking and smoking had given way to studying and serious living. I was in my senior year of college (second time around) about to finish with a nursing degree. Somehow I managed to finish undergraduate school with social work and sociology degrees -- and was now finishing a degree in nursing. For the first time in a long time I felt relaxed and more at peace with myself and even excited for my new career as a nurse.
Then I met the man who would help to heal my wounded heart.
Rick and I were instantly attracted to one another and married one year later. He was someone who knew my past and loved me anyway. We lived an exciting life together those first couple of years. Then along came Megan, our firstborn daughter, and a trip to Hawaii with my family that ultimately changed both our lives. Because Rick credited God with saving his life from a dangerous rip-tide, we headed back to church. Neither of us had been seriously involved in church for many years, but Rick wanted to dedicate his life to God in gratitude for saving his life. (See 'Lost At Sea" blog for details.)
As a wife and mother, I can now see that I worked hard to earn God's love and a place in heaven someday. I was a mother of two children less than five years of age, one of whom was showing signs of developmental delay. And seemingly overnight, I morphed into a helicopter mother -- hovering nearby in a desperate to prevent bad things from happening to those I loved. I strove to be the perfect mother. It was a terrible stress to my body and mind.
If anyone asked about my thoughts on abortion, I said that I was pro-choice. And there I remained for several years -- while attending church, teaching Sunday school and participating in bible studies. Remember, I'd pushed the memories from the abortion into the deepest recesses of my mind. And, I needed to justify my decision to have the abortion.
Rick and I were instantly attracted to one another and married one year later. He was someone who knew my past and loved me anyway. We lived an exciting life together those first couple of years. Then along came Megan, our firstborn daughter, and a trip to Hawaii with my family that ultimately changed both our lives. Because Rick credited God with saving his life from a dangerous rip-tide, we headed back to church. Neither of us had been seriously involved in church for many years, but Rick wanted to dedicate his life to God in gratitude for saving his life. (See 'Lost At Sea" blog for details.)
As a wife and mother, I can now see that I worked hard to earn God's love and a place in heaven someday. I was a mother of two children less than five years of age, one of whom was showing signs of developmental delay. And seemingly overnight, I morphed into a helicopter mother -- hovering nearby in a desperate to prevent bad things from happening to those I loved. I strove to be the perfect mother. It was a terrible stress to my body and mind.
If anyone asked about my thoughts on abortion, I said that I was pro-choice. And there I remained for several years -- while attending church, teaching Sunday school and participating in bible studies. Remember, I'd pushed the memories from the abortion into the deepest recesses of my mind. And, I needed to justify my decision to have the abortion.
Then came Jeremy's diagnosis of autism along with my diagnosis of breast cancer later that same year. God now had my complete attention and I was powerless to do much besides fight the cancer with surgery and chemotherapy. I could no longer trust in just myself. I trusted my doctors to help pick the right treatments, but soon knew that I needed to trust God even more.
Six months later I finished surgery and chemotherapy -- and found myself dealing with life issues once again. With a fresh perspective on life I began to think deeply about myself and my past. No longer content to just do, I began to focus on who I was and why I was still here on this earth. I'd heard about a bible study for women who'd had abortions. Maybe I should register for this study.
I finally went through the eight-week study with four other women about a year after finishing treatment for cancer. I learned about myself and discovered truths I'd not known. For the first time I began to realize that I had never really forgiven myself. For so many years I'd squelched all those feelings and memories of the abortion down to the very depths of my being. I vaguely remembered shutting out the memories the very night of my abortion because they were just too painful to deal with. But now those memories and feelings were surfacing -- like a teapot bubbles to the boiling point when the heat is turned up. For years my grief had simmered deep inside, but now rose to the surface. My grief needed to be examined and explored. My recovery was slow, but steady, from then on.
I wish I could tell you that I had it altogether. It's been many years since I finished that bible study and I am still 'unfinished business'. I liken our growth and healing to that of peeling an onion. It seems like God peels one layer at a time. Each peel is painful, but necessary for growth.
There are several resources available to those who have experienced abortion in some fashion. And there are symptoms of post-abortion that are common to many. Everyone's journey is very different so it's not fair to expect another who's dealt with an abortion to have the same walk. We are varied and diverse. Below I have listed some of the best resources for those wanting or needing to heal and recover. Here are some of the best resources:
Advice & Aid Pregnancy Center - http://www.adviceandaid.com/
Ramah International - http://www.ramahinternational.org/
Forgiven and Set Free - A Post-Abortion Bible Study For Women
Healing A Father's Heart - A Post-Abortion Bible Study For Men
Rachel's House - A Pregnancy Resource Center - http://www.rachelhouse.com/
I finally went through the eight-week study with four other women about a year after finishing treatment for cancer. I learned about myself and discovered truths I'd not known. For the first time I began to realize that I had never really forgiven myself. For so many years I'd squelched all those feelings and memories of the abortion down to the very depths of my being. I vaguely remembered shutting out the memories the very night of my abortion because they were just too painful to deal with. But now those memories and feelings were surfacing -- like a teapot bubbles to the boiling point when the heat is turned up. For years my grief had simmered deep inside, but now rose to the surface. My grief needed to be examined and explored. My recovery was slow, but steady, from then on.
I wish I could tell you that I had it altogether. It's been many years since I finished that bible study and I am still 'unfinished business'. I liken our growth and healing to that of peeling an onion. It seems like God peels one layer at a time. Each peel is painful, but necessary for growth.
There are several resources available to those who have experienced abortion in some fashion. And there are symptoms of post-abortion that are common to many. Everyone's journey is very different so it's not fair to expect another who's dealt with an abortion to have the same walk. We are varied and diverse. Below I have listed some of the best resources for those wanting or needing to heal and recover. Here are some of the best resources:
Advice & Aid Pregnancy Center - http://www.adviceandaid.com/
Ramah International - http://www.ramahinternational.org/
Forgiven and Set Free - A Post-Abortion Bible Study For Women
Healing A Father's Heart - A Post-Abortion Bible Study For Men
Rachel's House - A Pregnancy Resource Center - http://www.rachelhouse.com/
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