Mustard Seed (A Story for Those I Love)

 "And Jesus said to them, 'Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.'"  ~ Matthew 17:20

"... with the Lord, one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." ~ 2 Peter 3:8

My grandpa was a lot of fun to be around.  I remember him laughing a lot and he was quick witted. Yes, he would have a temper when Grandma pushed for something, but he'd quickly leave the room for awhile and smoke a cigarette for its calming effect.  Unfiltered. Lucky Strikes. 

I wish I knew more about Grandpa. He died from emphysema at the age of 75 when I was just 17. At this point in my life, my world revolved around ME.  But make no mistake, I loved my grandpa. 

Grandpa's name was Fred Lee. He was born in 1899 to James Lee and Annie Laurie Doran. My great-grandpa was from China, but we don't know much about him.  (As of this writing I'm having trouble finding out how and when he died.) However, Fred seemed to be a resilient kind of guy.  He lived through smallpox in his younger years with the pox scars to prove it. He survived both World War I and, lived through the pandemic Influenza with the help of his war buddy who offered Fred sips of brandy, so he said.

Yet, my grandpa would have a lifelong habit of smoking cigarettes that he just couldn't shake. Starting in his 60's, my grandpa began suffering from emphysema, a brutal disease that literally made taking breaths a monstrous effort. He would sit with a nebulizer 4x/day hoping the medicine would open his airways so he could breath more easily. Tragic.

On my 5th birthday my beloved grandpa gave me a tiny mustard seed necklace. I remember asking Grandpa what the little seed meant. As best as I can remember, he said, "The Bible says, 'If ye have the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains.'"  I cherished this necklace.

Reflecting on Grandpa's gift: Their seeds are very small, but they grow large. The mustard seed in Jesus' example symbolizes the potential in faith. When a believer begins their journey, they have just begun to learn about how much God loves them, how much He wants to do for them, and all that He has for them.

As a little girl, I'd stand in front of a tree, or something relatively unmovable by human strength alone, and command it to move. Of course, the tree or whatever didn't move and I grew disenchanted by my grandpa's words. "Maybe I don't have enough faith."  

It wasn't until years later that I uncovered the meaning of the tiny mustard seed. My prayers aren't always answered the way I want them to. And I've learned that God's timetable isn't like my personal timetable. But I have learned that God does hear my prayers and sometimes He gives me quick answers.  Sometimes not. Mostly I've learned that given patience, God will reveal His plan for our lives when He is ready to do so.

Lastly, know that just as I cherish time with you, God cherishes time with us.  Sometimes I just want to be with you and watch you engage in life. I suspect God is the same.  He loves to spend time with the one He created.  And through time with God, our faith flourishes just like the little mustard seed.

The mustard seed is very tiny; 1-2 mm. in diameter, yet when fully grown, the tree can be as tall as 20-30 ft. with branches and leaves spanning across another 20 ft. circumference. The magnificence of the mustard tree is not really in the height but in how wide the branches can span. It’s like a massive canopy.

Chariots and Horses

 "Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed; He answers him from His holy heaven with the saving power of His right hand. Some trust in chariots and others in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." ~ Psalm 20:6-7

It all happened so fast; within 3 weeks, actually.  First, I learned of my breast cancer, then came the needle biopsy, then quickly thereafter, surgery to remove the cancer in my right breast.  Now I faced a terribly difficult decision. How, or was, I to be treated in the aftermath of surgery?

Surely I wanted to live.  Megan was just 5 years old, Jeremy recently turned 4 yrs. old. I was young ~ just 36 years old.  We wanted to fight the cancer but didn't like the idea of adding chemicals to my already weakened body.

So Rick and I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. 

For a short season, Rick was leaning towards no chemotherapy because of a Bible verse he'd recently come across. "Some trust in chariots and others in horses, ..."  He wondered if God was saying, "Trust in me, not in chemotherapy." I wasn't so sure, but I did see his point. So we prayed some more.

God answered our prayers through two people who delivered a clear and unified message.

The next morning I received two telephone calls from my two different doctors ~ my oncologist and my surgeon.  "You need chemo, Kathy.  This cancer is super aggressive and we are concerned.  You're young with two small children.  Fight the cancer with all your might."

Having been a hematology/oncology nurse in earlier years, I knew what I was in for. Nausea, hair loss, fatigue, low blood counts which meant susceptibility to infections.  Chemotherapy isn't pretty.

With a heavy heart but strong resolve, I met with my oncologist and started chemo just two weeks following surgery. And it certainly was a trial. One week of sickness, one week of fatigue, then one week of feeling pretty good.  This was the cycle for 4 months. And I can say that I felt and looked awful without any hair including eyebrows and eyelashes!  To say that I blended in with the white walls was an understatement as I was pale as can be with big dark circles around both eyes.  

During my battle with cancer, I had many well-meaning friends encourage me to "stay positive," and "you have to believe that you can beat this cancer".  I'd laugh to myself because early in my treatment phase, I knew WHO was going to either heal me in death or heal me in life.  God.  

Yet, I persevered and finished the fight.  I credit God for using others to help me make the wise choice to submit to further treatment. My trust was in God, who used chemo to mop-up any remaining cancer cells. 

We don't have the power to beat our diseases like cancer, but God does.  Yet, we know that some are healed through life, others through death.  God allowed me to live for awhile longer on this earth and I am eternally grateful.  

As of today, I have been in remission for 27 years and all three of our children are now adults.  Both daughters have given me grandchildren. At this stage in my life I hope to exhibit unconditional love for our grandchildren just as Jesus has shown unconditionally love to me.  And I pray for our family and  future generations.  One day God will call me home to heaven.  It may be through cancer, an accident or simply through old age. But I trust Him to carry me in His capable arms along this journey called life.  

Vision of Oppression

 It was an intensely stressful season in my life, but a phone call from my friend, Steve, helped put it all into perspective for me. 

First, Jeremy was diagnosed with autism. 

The years before Jeremy was diagnosed with autism were wearying and full of anxiety.  I knew in my gut that something was wrong with our beautiful little boy, and truth be told, suspected autism.  But no one would seriously take heed of my concerns including the pediatrician and my husband. For two years I wrestled within myself with two opposing voices in my head.  First, the negative thoughts, "You worry too much.  Jeremy's just a late bloomer.  You're comparing him to your older, very verbal 3-year-old daughter." Then the positive thoughts, "Maybe Jeremy will be okay. Maybe if I work a little harder teaching (Jeremy) words and hosting more boy play dates with friends, he will perk-up."  

I vacillated between feelings of guilt or responsibility for Jeremy's delayed development.   I was so internally anxious that I even sent myself to counseling just to have someone listen to me and not think I was crazy.

With my burdened past I  worked diligently to somehow prove to God that I was worthy of His love and grace.  However, as much as I worked to control my anxieties and trust God, in reality I was full of anxiety and deep feelings of worthlessness from previous choices in life.

Finally, when Jeremy was almost four years old,  I received an official diagnosis from health care professionals.  Jeremy had pervasive developmental disorder aka autism. I poured an extra measure of guilt into my soul.  "Why did you wait? It's your fault for not taking the initiative to push harder." After self-condemnation, I remember thinking, "I can fix this." From the moment our son was diagnosed I began a sure and steady campaign to learn all about how to help our beautiful son, Jeremy.  

Soon the holidays brought a season of respite and great fun for our family. We were able to celebrate with both sets of grandparents and family from St. Louis.  I was finding a measure of peace in life.  Megan was doing well with first grade homeschool, and Jeremy was receiving daily therapy from a special developmental preschool. 

Second, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Between Christmas and New Years I felt a curious thickening in my right breast while in the shower.  I was scheduled for a biopsy within a week or two.  Rick and I were encouraged by friends who gathered to pray. I really wasn't worried about any breast cancer.  But, then I received a mysterious phone call from a serious, be speckled gentleman who attended our church. 

The day before my scheduled biopsy, I received a phone call.  "Kathy?" asked Steve, "Do you have a few minutes to talk?"  This sounded serious.  Our friend then, proceeded to share that he'd been praying for me and believed God had given him a vision.  Here is what he told me:

"I saw you standing in your living room with a HUGE fly on your back.  And, this fly totally covered your entire back - it was that large.  Then, suddenly, two men transported from the ceiling into the living room.  (Think Star Trek.) At this point, the fly changed into a man, and the two men kicked the fly-man out the front door. He is gone and will never be allowed to return.

I share this with you because I believe God wants you to know that He's allowed Satan to oppress (sift) you, but now He is lifting that oppression so that you can more fully fight what's coming your way. 

Kathy, life isn't always easy.  But God wants you to know that you can move forward with greater strength now that (Satan's) oppression has been lifted."

From scripture I know that "the devil prowls around looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8), that he bides his time for opportune moments (Luke 4:13), that he puts thoughts into our heads (John 13:2), that his suggestions must be firmly resisted (James 4:7) and shares how to resist them (Ephesians 6:10-20). ~ World Magazine, August 20, 2013.

Furthermore, I know from the Bible that Jesus proclaimed to Peter, "Peter, Peter, Satan has asked permission to sift you." (Luke 22:31) But God uses these experiences for our good (Romans 8:28), to refine our character and, to strengthen our faith (1 Peter 1: 6-7 and James 1: 2-4, 12). 

God had allowed Satan to sift me as a Christian woman. It was an excruciating two years of trial, but by the time my cancer was exposed, I was stronger and better able to cope with life.

To this day I stand in amazement that God would use this gentle and prayerful business man to share the vision with me.  But He did and I'm eternally grateful for His lifting the oppression.  Like Peter, I was allowed to be sifted by Satan aka Beelzebub*.  I had struggled emotionally and physically the two years prior to my diagnosis with breast cancer.  While I went on to suffer greatly with chemotherapy and surgery, I did so without the painful anxieties I'd experienced previously.  Through my trials, I was strengthened and learned about the power in the name of Jesus.

There are spiritual wars taking place between the forces of God and the forces of evil. But remember this, beloved, "In the name of Jesus, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord." (Philippians 2:10) When I'm faced with difficult situations or assaulted with less-than-holy thoughts, I now am able to voice aloud, "Jesus, help me!" with confidence and full trust in His deliverance.

*(Beelzebub, prince of devils, from Latin; from Greek, Beelzeboub; from Hebrew, 
Ba'al Zebhubh, a Philistine god, literally, lord of the flies ~ taken from Merriam-Webster)